Hilarious Husband Wife Jokes
We bring you the latest collection of husband wife jokes in English that will have you laughing your socks off. Get ready to laugh out loud with these jokes and husband wife funny pictures jokes!
Funny and Short Husband Wife Jokes
1. Nothing makes a little knowledge so dangerous as thinking your wife doesn’t have it.
2. Overheard an auction sale: “Sold to the lady with her husband’s hand over her mouth.”
3. When the man displays the strength of character in his home, it’s called stubbornness.
4. “Many men disappear because they know they are not wanted. And others because they know they are.”
5. Husband (to his wife trying on a new hat): “Of course, you can buy it, dear. I like that middle-aged look it gives you.”
6. Wife: “I’ve changed my mind.” Husband: “Thank heavens! Does it work any better now?”
7. The average husband can’t afford to win an argument from his wife. It costs more to get her to stop crying than what she wanted in the first place.
8. “Few women have any knowledge of parliamentary law.”
“You don’t know my wife. She’s been the speaker of the house for twenty-five years.”
9. Wife (gossiping with the neighbor as husband washes dishes): “If you go about it the right way, you can take a lot of drudgery out of housework.”
10. A midwest sales manager announced a new sales-incentive contest to his staff. First prize was to win a trip to Hawaii with all expenses paid. Second prize? The same thing, except that it included the salesman’s wife.
Long Husband Wife Jokes
11. A woman in the backseat of a car was haranguing her husband who sat behind the wheel. “And furthermore, Henry,” she finished, “when we are driving, is it not necessary to preface every remark you make with ‘Pilot to Navigator.’”
12. “How can you talk to me like that,” she wailed, “after I’ve given you the best years of my life?” “Yeah?” returned the husband. “And who made them the best years of your life?”
13. Maid: “Your husband ma’am is lying unconscious in the hall with a piece of paper in his hand and a large box by his side!”
Mrs. Green (joyfully): “Oh, then my new hat has arrived!”
14. A woman tourist in Greece rented a car and drove out to one of the ancient temples crumbling under the centuries. Posing near one huge fallen column, she asked a fellow tourist to take a snapshot. “Don’t get the car in the picture,” she said, “or my husband will think I knocked this place down.”
15. A man appeared in a newspaper office to place an ad offering $100 for the return of his wife’s cat. “That’s an awfully high price for a cat,” the clerk suggested.
“Not for this one,” said the man, “I drowned it.”
16. Wife: “I’ve got you this bottle of hair tonic, darling.”
Husband: “But my hair isn’t falling out.”
Wife: “I know, but I want you to give I to your typist at the office; her hair is coming out rather badly.”
17. Housewife: “Do you mind escorting me to the garbage, dear?”
Husband: “Why that?”
Wife: “I want to be able to tell the neighbors that we go out together every once in a while.”
18. “George,” she said to her husband as he arrived home from work that evening, “that diamond ring of mine has somehow worked loose off my finger and I can’t find it anywhere.”
“It’s alright, my dear,” he replied. “I came across it in my trousers pocket.”
19. Wife: “I mended that hole in your pocket last night after you’d gone to bed, dear. Now, I ask you, am I not a thoughtful little wife?”
Husband: “Well, yes, you’re thoughtful enough, but, tell me, dear, how did you discover there was a hole in my pocket?”
20. At the big publicity cocktail party, a pretty little blond waitress went around with a tray of cocktails. Late in the evening, a woman asked the host, “pardon me, but have you seen the girl with the martinis?”
“I’m so sorry,” replied the host. “Do you want a drink?”
“No,” said the woman. “I want my husband.”
More Husband Wife Jokes
21. “How’d you come out that fight with your wife?”
“She came crawling to me on her hands and knees.”
“Yeah? What did she say?”
“Come out from under the bed, you coward!”
22. “You know, dear,” he said breaking the long silence, “I’ve been thinking over our argument.”
“Well,” she snapped, without looking up from the book she was reading.
“Yes, dear, I’ve decided to agree with you after all,” he said meekly.
“That won’t do you any good” she sniffled. “I’ve changed my mind.”
23. Husband at the movies: “Can you see, dear?”
Husband: “Is there a draft on you?”
Husband: “Is your seat comfortable?”
Husband: “Let’s change seats.”
24. Husband: “I’ve taken you safely over all the rough spots of life, haven’t I?”
Wife: “Yes, I don’t think you missed any of them.”
25. The young woman in the upper Pullman berth attracted the attention of the man in the lower berth. “Will you get me a blanket?” she demurely requested “I’m cold.”
“Are you married?” the man asked.
“No, I’m not married,” the girl replied.
“How would you like to pretend you were married?” he inquired.
“Oh! I think that would be fun!”
“Then go get your own blanket!”
26. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
27. A husband is a living proof that a wife can take a joke.
28. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four policemen and a dog.