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Autumn turns black

 

A withered frail body. As I gaze at the lively green leafs dancing in the wind turn…black in the blink of an eye. My gran was my dancing green leaf but now she has fallen. As I see the blinding winter sun bounce off the dusty window sill. I stare at my family’s isolated eyes leaking with unpunctual tears. I see my gran slowly deteriorating in agonising torment- That will haunt me forever. Cancer will eventually, cowardly rob my family and i of our beloved Isabella Linton. My head often wondered off to what seemed to be a never ending web of emotion and memories; shocked, scared and isolated. I felt all three. When i think of my gran i imagine her full of life and vitality-A warm smile glowing like a sunrise on a cold winter’s morning, chocolate brown eyes that could melt your heart, a larger than life personality that lit up the room. Now the light has burned away, leaving darkness. Death was crawling up my spine like spiders. And there was nothing i could do to stop it. In my childish naivety i thought you would be here forever. Death? I never imagined this, you were gone. Faster than the changing of seasons.

The uncomfortable hospital smell-smells like it is trying to cover up the illnesses of its patients. The overwhelming brightness of the walls will blind you with tears. Why me? Why my family? As we are swiftly walking towards what seemed to be an never ending pathway until we reached her, ward 43. I saw the unbearable grief from which patients families are trying to cope with. I seen pain through my mother’s eyes that showed a world of unimaginable darkness. We eventually reached the room which my gran had been admitted too. Her skin was as white as bitter snow, her arms were black and blue with bruises. I feel anger. I feel angry at the nurses in the ward, although they are carrying workload burdens i cannot help but feel as though they are not taking the best care of her. Maybe if they caught this earlier she would not be dying. I want her to hold on and fight this but I don’t want her to be in pain. Is this selfish? I want someone to blame. I need someone to blame because if not, i will not be able to get my head around this horrific thing that is happening to us. Why would such a dreadful thing happen to such a wonderful person? My gran is heroic and strong, she is such a fighter who has thought to have overcome the ‘worst of the worst’ but cancer was starting to get the better of her and this is something which cannot be fought. The darkness was taking her from us, and there was nothing i could do. I watch her clasp on to her life like the leafs hang from the trees, just waiting to fall.

 

My gran lays in bed in excruciating agony. Lots of our family member’s crowd in her tiny little house to spend her last few weeks with her. She screams in pain and it sent shivers down my back just like the cold winters air. This sense of reality is unbearable. I cannot stand to watch her like this. It’s inhumane.She was smiling with her mouth but through her cold dark eyes I saw torment and fear. Death was approaching us. Even after her finding out she was terminally ill she always tried to put on a brave face for us- the grandkids. I used to love going to my grandparents house but now it’s just full of grief and misery. what was once a cause for excitement and happiness rapidly turned to sadness and complete dread. I hate having these feelings, it was not fair! why can’t everything go back to normal? I feel an unbelievable amount of guilt when i don’t want to visit my gran but it is not because i don’t want to see her, i do…just not like this. It is soul destroying. My poor gran.

Not only is this having a major impact on my family but it is especially worse for my granddad, Not once, in one and a half decades has his hair been out of place rather than not been fixed at all. He has known her the longest and spends every moment of his time with her. It is a bond that only death could break, it is true love! This will totally destroy our family. My gran is our glue, she is the one who keeps her head held high when everyone else’s is falling – like the leaves of autumn. I cannot think straight nor can i concentrate during school. I am in quicksand and i am struggling to get out-as i’m struggling i am falling harder and harder. It’s like a huge black thick cloud of my emotions getting ready for a thunderstorm. No one prepared me for this. Well how can you really prepare someone for this? you can’t. I feel so isolated from my mother, it is like i need to tiptoe around broken glass when she is around because i don’t want to say the wrong thing that might tip her over the edge. I barely see her anymore as she is taking care of my gran. I can’t even begin to imagine how my mother’s feeling during these hard times. It’s her mum. I’d be completely lost without my mum and watching her rapidly lose her mum is just as hard as coping with my grans illness itself. She is so brave looking after everyone whilst trying to keep her own head above the water in this tsunami of emotions.

As Autumn comes to an end and winter approaches, the fear of my grandmothers passing grows stronger and stronger, as each dark fallen leaf turns to a dead frost. she was full of life and happiness just like the vibrant green summer leaves. Then the change in season came, and those luscious Green leaves rapidly turned into crispy dark brown leaves and they started to lose their grip and fall to the ground, the same time my gran became ill with cancer, she began to deteriorate herself. Now as the last change of season for the year approaches and those leaves disappear from life completely. Hidden from the thick layers of snow that fall from the winter blizzards, i can only fear that my gran loses her battle and moves from this wicked earth into heaven. Although the thought of her passing is more heart breaking than ever. i can only wish that she is out of pain soon. She does not deserve to have this cruel illness and feel such indescribable pain all the time. She is my happy green leaf.

 

 

~*~

 

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