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A Letter To Mom

 

 

Sunday. April 14. 8:53 PM.

 

“You make my life miserable.” Thanks, Mom. I already can tell. I see the way you look at me. I see the disgust, disappointment, anger. Don’t worry, when I look at myself I feel those things too. I really am a disgusting human being. Selfish too. Why would I cut and burn myself when everything in my life is perfect? I’m a “track superstar” as everyone puts it. I’m incredibly smart, getting A’s in my AP courses. I have a loving father, hardworking mother, amazing sisters. Why? Because I’m a fucking pathetic human being.

 

You always say I need to stop blaming others. “Why do you do this?” Because you make me hate myself. “Don’t blame others for your demons.” So, should I blame myself for Dad’s bad temper? For him hitting Cheyenne, once, twice, three times now? Should I blame myself for all the times the cops came to our house? Should I blame myself for all the nightmares I get of Dad holding a fucking knife to his neck? Oh wait, I bet you don’t remember that. Because it’s always a happen once, forget about it situation. I haven’t forgotten, and I know for ten shits that you haven’t. Stop being a fucking hypocrite. If you’re telling me to stop blaming others for my problems, then don’t blame me for your life being miserable. Your fault for marrying an alcoholic. Your fault for marrying a man who hits his children. Your fault for marrying a man who throws shit around the house and acts like he’s fucking Mike Meyers. Your fault for your life going to waste. Sad piece of shit. Don’t blame me for the way your life turned out. I’ve only been here for 15 years of it, what happened to the other 41?

 

“You make my life miserable.” You raised me. You want me to stop hanging out with the people who make me happy. Kayla just only found out Friday. John doesn’t even know. Being with them makes me so happy, I forget about all my problems. Being with you just makes me want to cut even more. Think for a second. Why do I do it every Sunday? Why does it happen during the weekend? Why not during school? WHY DID IT START DURING CHRISTMAS BREAK???? Because I’m home. School, track, my friends. These things make me happy. You are taking away the things… the people…. Who make me happy. You are taking away the resources I have to get better. When I’m at home I get sad. I don’t know why, if I did I would tell you, so stop fucking asking me. You’ve told me over and over about how what I’m doing hurts you. You never once talked about how what I’m doing hurts myself. It’s never, “Oh, you shouldn’t hurt yourself. You don’t deserve that.” It’s always, “Do you realize how much this hurts me? Why would you do this to me?” Or Cheyenne saying, “Why would you do this to Mommy? How could you hurt her like this? You have to realize how you’re hurting other people.” YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME. All you care about is that what I’m doing is hurting you… how the counselors are coming after you. GOOD. They’ll see how fucking crazy you are. Cutting myself just makes you look bad. That’s why you care. You don’t care because of me. And if you do… you have a fucked up way of showing it. Especially since all you tell me is about how I’m hurting you. I’m the fucking one who has to be strong for you. Not you. Not the one who’s 41 years older than me. You told me that you never wanted kids. That you only had them because you didn’t believe in abortion. You should have put us up for adoption. If you didn’t want kids, then don’t make them suffer because you don’t give a shit.

 

You’ll never see this and I’m just angry. Maybe in a couple of hours, I’ll have cooled down and I won’t feel like this anymore. But You. Just. Don’t. Understand. You always interrupt me. You always have to get the last word and then you say “Let’s not fight anymore.”You don’t listen. And then you say I don’t listen to you. Broooo. This is my fucking problem that I need to fix. So why can’t I talk? WHY DO YOU ACT LIKE THE ONLY WAY TO FUCKING FIX ME IS FOR YOU TO YELL AT ME. FOR YOU TO FUCKING BELITTLE ME. fuck you.

 

Don’t even get me started about Cheyenne. She always has some side comment. This isn’t her thing to comment on. She needs to grow the fuck up and move out. She’s fucking 28, yet I get more shit than her. I’m 14, yet when we fight I’m the one who needs to take the bigger road. SHE’S 28 FUCKING YEARS OLD.

 

I’m done being angry.

 

 

Sunday. April 14. 9:25 PM.

 

Hehe. I’m making this so melodramatic, but I like it. I’m not angry anymore. I guess that was just the angry portion. Kinda sad. I’m always sad though, so what does it matter. It’s not just you who wonders why I do this. Liz. Erika. Heather. Adriana. Sofia. Nina. Alli. And all the other people I never told who now knows. Me. When a fight happened I burned. When I learn something sad I cut. When I’m angry I hit myself. Why. It hurts. A lot.

 

Do you remember the fights? I remember when I was 6 or 7 in our old house I was sitting with you on the bench. I don’t know why Dad was yelling. Why you were screaming for him to stop. I just remember him throwing chopsticks right above my head. I remember a plate being smashed. I remember tears running down my face, crying for it to stop. I remember Chelsea trying to tell me it was all going to be okay.

 

The next one I remember was more recent. There’s so many but I forget them all. I just remember the feeling of being scared, sad, upset. This one I was maybe 9 or 10. I think Chelsea and Cheyenne were fighting over lipstick. I think Chelsea was a Sophomore or Junior at the time. They were fighting and somehow Cheyenne smashed the door shut. We were stuck in our room. She broke the hinges. I’ve always loved Chelsea more. She was always so comforting and calm. Maybe because we are closer in age, but she was always my favorite. I hate Cheyenne. I feel pity for her. But she genuinely makes me feel suffocated. Now, all I feel is resentment. I understand she’s been through a lot, but why does she take it out on Dad and I. Every since she pulled my hair and hit me I don’t want to talk to me. I act civil because that’s what’s right. I don’t feel love for her. If she died I would be sad, but who wouldn’t. Someone freaking died? There wouldn’t be a void though. I genuinely wish I never had to see her face again. Anyways, I remember being so scared of Cheyenne. When Chelsea and I eventually got out she brought me to the bathroom and told me to keep the door locked. She had to go to work and even gave me the home phone and a number with her number, Dad’s number, and your number to call. I remember crying and when Cheyenne wanted me to unlock the door I thought she would hurt me. Eventually, I got hungry and she offered to make me food, so I unlocked the door and ran out to hug her. It worked out. I still am hurt though.

 

Next fight. This one didn’t even involve me. New house. Maybe seventh grade? Eighth maybe. Dad and Cheyenne were fighting. No idea over what. Money? Weight? Needing to move out? Needing to get her act together? I don’t know. Whatever it is Dad was probably belittling her. Not the first time. Always happens. She doesn’t deserve it. I still hate her, though. They were fighting and I tried to stop it. But they kept fighting. Dad punched her in the face. He chipped her tooth. Cheyenne went up to her room and locked it. I tried to open the door. I couldn’t. The cops came. She called them. Dad was out driving. Probably drunk as hell. You had to explain to the cops what had happened. It sucked.

 

Next one. These are the fights I remember right now, but I remember there being a fight once a month. Once a month from fifth grade on. Maybe even more frequent. I was too young to remember any of the other ones before that but I’m sure those are the ones in my nightmares. This one was eighth grade. Thanksgiving. You were stressed. Over the food and cooking and Cheyenne and I getting in the way. Whenever we fight it’s always about my attitude. I give you attitude. I’m sorry. I really am for using the wrong tone. But I use that tone because I’m angry. I resent you. I hate you. But I love you. When you ask me to clean my room, all I see is this evil person. But your not. I know you are not. But I can’t change the way I see you. Anyways, you were stressed. A fight broke out. You and I fought. Cheyenne and I fought. Chelsea and Cheyenne fought. You and Cheyenne fought. And Dad was just there. Cheyenne and I were arguing and Dad comes in with this Swifter. Threatens to hit me. I was done being fucking scared. I stopped being angry at Cheyenne. How the fuck dare you to threaten to wack me with your son of a bitch broom. Fucking hit me. Chelsea separated us while you just watched. You stood there. Not fighting for me. Because I guess you thought I deserved to be hit. You didn’t stop your fucking psycho husband. Whatever. I spent that Thanksgiving afternoon in the woods. I called Avonlea, and she even invited me to have dinner at her house. But I came home. And we ate food pretending nothing happened. Like Nothing. Happened. That one is pretty frequent in my sleep.

 

Were you here for this one? I don’t think so. I don’t remember how it started but Dad and I were fighting. Probably because of my stupid attitude. Because I’m rude. I was probably 12 or 13. But at the end of the fight, I remember Dad holding a knife to his throat. Saying he should just slit his throat. I don’t remember much of it but I remember how scared I was. Because I love dad. He’s messed up. But he’s my dad. I loved him. I love him. I was sobbing. I told him I couldn’t live without him. He put the knife down. Hugged me. We were both crying. This one shows up a lot too.

 

Not going in order here, by the way. I remember when I was maybe 11 or so I took a knife and held it against my wrist. I said Cheyenne made me want to cut myself. She told me to go ahead. She knew I wouldn’t do it, but now that I think about it why the fuck would you say that to a kid. I’m her sister, sure, but she was fucking, what, 24 years old? What kind of psycho would tell a kid that? She acts as if I’m the same age as her. She’s 28. I’m 14. Half her age right now.

 

Here’s the big ‘ol one. This was the same day I burnt myself for the first time. It was the Sunday before winter break practice. I told Haley Oko two days after. I told Heather Garret three days after. They were all I told for the meanwhile. This one didn’t involve me either. Chelsea and Cheyenne were arguing over dishes. It was stupid. They fought over how neither does shit in the house. How they wouldn’t understand the other’s life. They were so close to fighting. Cheyenne escalates things so much. Every damn time. She can’t shut the fuck up. Always has a snarky comment. Always keeps the fight going. She can’t fucking control herself. I’m the same, just not with fighting. I can’t control when I cut. It just happens. Anyways Chelsea broke a cup. She smashed it, and I could see she was so scared of herself. By the way, this is December 2018. I tried to comfort Chelsea because again I’ve always loved her more. I remember her telling me she was going to go back to UCONN. I didn’t want her to leave. When she’s home, I’m so much safer. So much happier. So much calmer. She mediates. I don’t have to when she’s home. I was so sad. I cried to Adriana and Heather in my closet for hours. She came in an hour later telling me it was okay. That she was just mad. She and Cheyenne made up. My mind was messed up. I was up at 3 AM and I just did it. I took a metal skewer and lighter and burned myself. Three times.

 

Last fight. The big one. The one with you. February. The fucking day before States. I wanted to go to Karolina’s birthday party. You said no. I shouldn’t have argued back. But I’m a teenager. I wanted to go. I’m a brat. I’m stupid. I’m pathetic. We argued back and forth. I never raised my voice. You did. You started yelling. And I started crying. It stopped being about the stupid birthday party and more about what was going on with me. I had been burning for three months. Two and a half more precisely. I burned myself every single day after that fight. So you said whatever. You gave up. I went upstairs and called Adriana. I cried to her so hard. I couldn’t breathe. Her mom overheard and just drove over. I didn’t ask her to come over. The moment you found out you screamed louder than I had ever heard you scream. “How could you do this to me?” “How could you shame me like this?” I didn’t fucking ask her to come over. But she gave a shit because she cares about me. You started screaming. Cheyenne butted her stupid fucking voice in and started screaming at me. Christina explained to Dad that I didn’t ask her to come over and he was trying to reason. But no. You’re always right. You are never wrong. It is never your fault. You weren’t listening to me. Whenever I bring this up you always say “Let’s not bring up the past.” But nooo. It’s okay for you to bring up anything that victimizes you and places me as the big bad guy. Always bring up the other hospital visit. When I wanted to fucking die. Still do by the way. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. If you weren’t here I would fucking do it. If I didn’t have so many people who cared I would do it. But no matter what you think, I’m not a fucking selfish asshole. So I will NEVER EVER fucking commit suicide. It isn’t a choice. But you can go fuck yourself if you think I would do that. I exploded. I started screaming too. I yelled. I showed you my arm. Dad went silent and you kept yelling. Cheyenne kept screaming. Then Cheyenne grabbed me when I tried to walk away. I hit her hand to make her let go. She pulled my hair. I started to hit her. She wouldn’t let go. But no. I’m the bad guy that started to fight. Not her. Not the one who grabbed me first. Doesn’t matter. You told her to stop. You went silent. Cheyenne never got it. I needed air. I went to go for a walk. “If you walk out that door I will call the police. Think before you walk out that door or else you will regret it for the rest of your life.” Threat much? “You deserve to go to a mental hospital.” Thanks, Cheyenne. I hate you. I hate Cheyenne. Thanks for “being there for me”. I don’t even remember any of the happy times anymore because this is all I remember. This is all that is stuck in my mind. I deserve to be cut. I deserve to punished. And when I meet you in hell I will be satisfied that you, Cheyenne, Dad, and I all got what we deserved. The texts that Cheyenne sent me in that group chat were so cruel. So hurtful. And you didn’t say one thing to stop it. Not one thing to stop your 28-year-old daughter from mentally scarring your 14-year-old one. Here, I can copy and paste the conversation just in case you forget. I said some messed up stuff. I would say it all again. I meant every ounce of it then. I mean every ounce of it now. You deserve to be investigated. I’m glad the counselors found out. Although I guess you’d rather they never knew. And that I kept slashing up my wrists. Don’t worry. Will do. Here.

 

Mom:

-When you think this is horrible family, what have you done to make it better?   When you said we fight all the time what have you ask yourself why we fight? When you said mom nagging all the time have you ask yourself why she nag?  When you complain your parents are not there for you have you ask yourself why they are not there? No one is perfect but have do something to make this family become better having you?   Ask yourself if your are in your parents shoes would you do better? Ask yourself what you parents have beside themselves! Ask yourself what your parents have done anything for their pleasure for the past 30 years, ask them what they want to do for the rest of their life!  Do you know what your parents really want to do with their life when they struggle to make you threes kids better life? Ask yourself when is the last time you do something for this family!

-Ask your self instead of blame others

-I am proud to tell you guys, I am not perfect but I try to make this family doing better and become better, but how about you!

Mia Chen:

-lemme tell u right now

-why u fight? no reason is a good reason to fight i don’t even care what ur reasons are

Mom:

-Watch your tone!  Show respect

Mia Chen:

-i’m done

-i’m thankful for everything you’ve done for this family but all i see right now is excuses and until you can actually prove your even trying to make anything better i’m done

Mom:

-Mia, you really need to think throughly, without me or dad what kind of life we are going to have?  What have you contributed to this family?

Mia Chen:

-oh don’t worry i have thought about this for months

-i’ve got christina’s opinions too

-at least i haven’t contributed to the toxic environment that goes on

Mom:

-If you think Christina is better mom go ahead to her house.  If you think I am bad mother than I am a bad mother.

Cheyenne Chen:

-lmao 😂 and you last night doesn’t make it even more toxic!!!! lmao 😂

-exactly! Clearly are thinks their family is better than ours

Mia Chen:

-i didn’t start yelling last night did i?

-i didn’t start complaining about everything did i?

-i didn’t start it all i did was finish it

Cheyenne Chen:

-in the end you yelled

-and was disrespectful

-And cussed

Mia Chen:

-as did u

Cheyenne Chen:

-So you still at failtn

Mia Chen:

-like i said i’m done

Cheyenne Chen:

-Fault

-ok so I yelled

-At least I admit I yelled

-But your think your perfect

Mia Chen:

-oh i yelled definitely

-and i don’t think i’m perfect

Cheyenne Chen:

-sonperfect and you think your right

Mia Chen:

-in fact for months i thought i was the reason for the divorce

-in fact that’s why i never told anyone about burning myself

-why? cuz it was my fault

-bc i didn’t want to stress anyone out

-bc i didn’t want to be the pain in the ass

-and the one time i try and get it through

-i get yelled at

-so yeah

-i’m done

Cheyenne Chen:

-guess what I told told anyone I cut myself in high school? Guess what I never told anyone I was sexually harassed. Y guys (BY THE WAY JUST LEARNED SHE LIED ABOUT SAYING SHE CUT HERSELF. FUCKING PATHETIC JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD)

Mia Chen:

-and just so u know

Cheyenne Chen:

-That’s life

-You deal with it

Mia Chen:

-yeah it’s life

-and i do deal with it

Cheyenne Chen:

-but how dare you disrespect Mom like that

Mia Chen:

-but u can’t say that i think i’m perfect

-u can’t assume i think i’m perfect

Cheyenne Chen:

-just bc she tells doesn’t me you can yell at her and cuss

-when she says no it means no you move forward

-when she means yes it’s yes

Mia Chen:

-cheyenne i wasn’t yelling bc i couldn’t go to a stupid birthday party

-u still don’t understand do u?

Cheyenne Chen:

-She spend all that one cooking bc of a “no” it’s ruined

Mia Chen:

-it wasn’t about a birthday party

Cheyenne Chen:

-you still feel

Mia Chen:

-it wasn’t about a no

Cheyenne Chen:

-Yell

Mia Chen:

-but of course

Cheyenne Chen:

-doesn’t matter you still cussed

Mia Chen:

-u dont care

-why should u

Cheyenne Chen:

-And you still yell

Mia Chen:

-and then i tried to walk away bc i was done

Cheyenne Chen:

-do you care about the shit go through?

Mia Chen:

-and u tried to keep up the fight

-yup i do care

-ask chelsea

-i’ve talked to her about caring abt ur life

-im worried for u

Cheyenne Chen:

-do you know what chelsea  deals with everyday?

Mia Chen:

-but i can’t do anything to help cuz u won’t let me

Cheyenne Chen:

-Or Mom or dad?

Mia Chen:

-i’m the only one who backs up chelsea every fight

-and no i don’t

Cheyenne Chen:

-You probably don’t know half the shot I got through

-shit

Mia Chen:

-but do u know what i go through either?

-everything that ur saying can go the same for u

-and now ur saying it’s all my fault

-i agree

Cheyenne Chen:

-so I’m sick and tired of ppl thinking they got their own shit going on

Mia Chen:

-it is my fault

-im in my own head

-so right now

-i’m done

-done with all of u

Cheyenne Chen:

-exactly by I don’t be like oh I cut myself or I’m depress I don’t yell at mom or cuss

-At her

-so disrespectful

Mia Chen:

-don’t worry i’m going to the counselor

Cheyenne Chen:

-you can’t even apologize to Mom for disrespecting her

Mia Chen:

-and i won’t

Cheyenne Chen:

-good you need to go to mental institution

Mia Chen:

-yep

Cheyenne Chen:

-your disgusting

-I bet chelsea agrees

Mia Chen:

-once i talk to the counselor she’ll go to the officials

-and they’ll investigate

Cheyenne Chen:

-You see you think your right

Mia Chen:

-and they might take me away

-thank god

-i’ve researched this

Mom:

-Regardless anything else, what have you done to make this family better for the last 12 month?  To make your parents done less for the family? Ask yourself carefully!

Mia Chen:

-what have i done?

Cheyenne Chen:

-your disgusting nobody wants you here anyway so disrespectful

Mia Chen:

-every single fight i’ve been there to calm u guys down

-i’ve been there to try and support

Cheyenne Chen:

-look you still think your right for cussing yelling

Mia Chen:

-did i say that?

-i’m in the wrong for that

-definitely

-i know that

-u really want me to go away that bad cheyenne?

Cheyenne Chen:

-You just said you won’t apologize lol

Mia Chen:

-doesn’t mean i think i’m in the right

Cheyenne Chen:

-you said it yourself

-You want to go away

Mia Chen:

-oh i do

Cheyenne Chen:

-Lmao your own words

-😂😂😂😂

Mia Chen:

-but u want me to go away too?

Cheyenne Chen:

-I’m going to the counselor

Mia Chen:

-i’m not asking for myself

Cheyenne Chen:

-authorities

-lmao

Mia Chen:

-then go

Cheyenne Chen:

-Your the one that’s wants to walk away

Mia Chen:

-oh i do

Cheyenne Chen:

-from this family

Mia Chen:

-and i will

Cheyenne Chen:

-You have no idea how much Mom and Dad sacrifice

Mia Chen:

-oh i do

Cheyenne Chen:

-and this is how your treat them

Mia Chen:

-i hear her crying every night

Cheyenne Chen:

-Who gave you your clothes?

-a bed?

Mia Chen:

-them they have sacrificed everything

Cheyenne Chen:

-If that’s the case than why do you want to continue to hurt her?

Mia Chen:

-so that gives them the right to be violent?

Cheyenne Chen:

-And disrespect her?

Mia Chen:

-that gives them the right to scream?

-that gives them the right to do anything they want?

Cheyenne Chen:

-Violent?!! 😂😂😂

Mia Chen:

-that chair downstairs

Mom:

-You put mom and dad in the investigation situation?  Just like last time you cause police come to house in the middle of night?   Cause me 2000 something dollars! For your information, I only have 7 thousands in my Bank, I don’t know we even can go through this without spend any money!

Cheyenne Chen:

-if that’s the case than maybe I can call the police on you

-Since iou punch me

Mia Chen:

-defending myself

-u grabbed me

-and i tried to pull away and u kept

Cheyenne Chen:

-mom this is how raised your daughter

-you hit me

-you punch

-I have a bruised

Big Sis:

-You know what’s truly disappointing is the amount of hateful words that are being thrown around instead of trying to resolve a conflict. Everyone is wrong here so own to the part that you contributed

-Silence

-Everyone be quiet

-And self reflect

-Every single person here

-Is the problem.

Cheyenne Chen:

-Mia caused all this and will sauced is to go bankrupt

Big Sis:

-We are stuck in such a hateful cycle because we constantly point fingers

Cheyenne Chen:

-Last time Mom spend money bc police cane in

-How she is threatening Mom for investigation

Big Sis:

-But have we all tried to put each other in everyone else’s shoes

-I said silence.

Cheyenne Chen:

-And what happened if we are all homeless

-She is only thinking of herself

Big Sis:

-I will tell you when I’m done talking

-don’t put me in this group chat if you don’t respect me enough to listen to what I’m saying

Cheyenne Chen:

-too late Mia already said she is going to the police

Mia Chen:

-did i say that

-no

Cheyenne Chen:

-she will have Dad arrested

Mia Chen:

-i said im going to the counselor

-did i say that?

Cheyenne Chen:

-mom have no job now

Mia Chen:

-no

Big Sis:

-Everyone has contributed to this hateful cycle we are stuck. We all have problems with ourselves because of this environment that we HAVE ALL caused.

-BOTH OF YOU SERIOUSLY STOP

Cheyenne Chen:

-“I will go to the counselor! They will go to the authorities!”

Big Sis:

-this is immature of BOTH of you

-Stop

Cheyenne Chen:

-investigation

Big Sis:

-I said to stop

-If you don’t want to listen when I’m trying to help then what’s he point

-If you want to give up on this family then fine

-Walk away

-But don’t drag other people down with you

Cheyenne Chen:

-exactly

Mia Chen:

-how the hell am i dragging her down

Cheyenne Chen:

-👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Mia Chen:

-all i said is that i’m down

Big Sis:

-I said don’t comment

-Are you guys going to let me finish

-Currently I am sitting outside when I have a conference meeting

-This is what I want to dedicate my time to

-But if you don’t allow me to

-Then why am I sacrificing this time for you

-Do not say a word

-Until I tell you I’m finished

-EVERYONE here is the problem. Every attitude and negative thing and negative action has caused this shit show that has ensued

-If you aren’t capable of owning up to your part in this then you shouldn’t even point fingers

-Everyone has a valid point in their feelings also

-Lots of hard things have happened to everyone because someone else in this family caused it

-But we need to be understanding on everyone’s struggles

Cheyenne Chen:

-Great Mom is crying now hoorah Mia so proud of you!!

Big Sis:

-We have to be mature enough to NOT blame anyone for OUR PROBLEMS

Cheyenne Chen:

-you should be so proud of yourself

-Mia can yell and cuss at me but you hurt mom is a “no, no” you just broke her heart!

-now she is crying hysterically

-I hope your happy

-seriously I rly hope you are jumping with joy

-chelsea please call mom

-bc she is crying her eyes out

-Mia can’t even apologize to her for yelling and cussing and disrespecting

-Mia you are the reason for Mom tears

-today

-You don’t even care

-And threatening her authorities???

-At least when me or Chelsea argues we apologize

-But uo won’t even say “I’m sorry, for being so disrespectful “

-Mia is I could record you the way to talk to daddy

-you should rly hear yourself

-You always have constant attitudes

-you don’t even realize it

-Everyone has anger issues but what about you?

-You have seriously attitudes that is very disrespectful and you don’t even realize the way you talk

-and you pointing everyone else has flaws and bringing the athoroties?

-you have no idea how much money this will cause us, and the pain you will caused

-You already made mommy break down into tears

-I seriously hope you are proud of yourself and jumped with joy

-no mother should ever be treated like this

-One day perhaps when you have kids of your own I only pray for you realizing what it’s like to raise kids

-I rly hope if you get taken away you will find a perfect fish family

-Rich*

-Good luck

-wish you all the best to find the perfect parents and the richest one

-Hopefully when the investigation falls successfully and we lose all our money , and you find a rich parents maybe you have have the decency to send us a big check 😊

-I mean rly I can legit call the police today for you if you rly want to have the police involved

-they will arrest Dad, we will go bankrupt

-That’s what you want anyway

Mia Chen:

-it isn’t what i want

-none of this i want

Cheyenne Chen:

-you just said “I’m going to counseling, they will have the authorities, they will taken you away”

-Bc you want to walk away from this family

Mia Chen:

-doesn’t mean i want to put the family in rubbles

Cheyenne Chen:

-you don’t even want to apologize to Mom

-your words not mine!

Mia Chen:

-actually i’m going to talk to mom right now

-but in order for anything calm to happen it needs to be just her and o

-i*

Cheyenne Chen:

-well you should have thought about that before bringing the authorities in

-well she just left the house crying

-so good luck

-you rly hurt her Mia

-like rly rly hurt her

Mia Chen:

-and ur all hurting me

Cheyenne Chen:

-you have no idea

Mia Chen:

-but it doesn’t matter if i’m hurt

-i don’t matter

Cheyenne Chen:

-well we are all

-Hurting bc of yesterday

-Mia! There is 5 of us here!!

-you don’t think I don’t feel the same shit

-You don’t think Chelsea feels the same shit

-We all cry ourselves to sleep

-This is life

-Okay!

-We just accept it and make it the best

-But regardless if Mom is right or wrong you should never disrespectful her

-she even said herself that she is not perfect

-But she tries to be the best mom ever to provide for family

-All the kids are lucky bc they have grandparents and uncles and aunt to help

-maybe the parents are rich to afford a nanny

-nobody is perfect I’m no perfect o admit I got a temper probably and yess I get angry at this environment too but negative energy does now that make it better

-Doesn’t make like better

-you are all to feel whatever your feelings, entitled to your opinion but you should never disrespect your parents like that regardless if you think they are wrong or right or fair or not fair

-you rly need to apologize to mom and Dad the way you behave..you are a child they are the parents ..and let me tell if you rly want to know what violent is? I have Spanish friends that gotten whipped by their parents with belts

-that’s violent

Mom:

-I am out with client

 

 

Sunday. April 14. 10:49 PM.

 

3rd time I’ve read it tonight. Cheyenne was right. I’m a disgusting human being. Everything I said I stand by. I give up on this family. I give up in general. I give up on living. No point. What’s the point of trying anywhere? But I won’t die. I won’t be like this. I will get better. I deserve every burn, cut, hit that I’ve received. I deserve to die. Fate will decide when that happens to me. All I have left to do is wait. I’m not angry right now. I’m not sad. I just give up. My life isn’t bad. It isn’t perfect. But it’s good. I’m grateful. I should be more thankful. Thank you for providing me food. Thank you for the clothes on my back. The endless shifts at TD bank to get me that iPhone. The working all day and night for me. Thank you. I don’t know why I’m like this. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t want to sleep though. Because sleep is scary. The nightmares scare me to death. Nightmares of the real. Nightmares of the could happen. I’ve dreamt of me hanging myself and you all just clapping. It was the scariest. I wake up feeling like I’m suffocating and being choked. I don’t feel anything right now. I just want it to stop. But all you do is mock me. All you do is ask me why I do this to you. You don’t deserve it. I’m sorry. But I do. I deserve every single bad thing that has ever happened to me. Everything happens for a reason. I deserve it all. I deserve to die later in life. I deserve these cuts. I deserve to feel this pain. I don’t deserve the relief I get from seeing the blood fill up. I don’t deserve this perfect, amazing, miraculous family. I don’t deserve this intelligence. Or athletics. Just kill me and give it to another soul. Another mind. Just get rid of this one and swap it out for a new Mia. I hate myself. I really do. I hate Cheyenne. I really do. I don’t hate you though. I just hate what you’ve done to me. I don’t hate Dad. I just hate what he’s done to this family. I don’t hate Chelsea. I never will. She’s the only one I’ve loved through and through. The only one that I care about disappointing so much. Goodbye. I’m done talking to you or Cheyenne. I’m done giving a shit.

 

 

 

~*~

 

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